Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Letters to Henry - From March 27th

I wrote this way back when Henry was very little. It was before my bout with PPD, before Henry's newborn days were stolen from me. 3/27/2012 To my sweet baby Henry, You’re just over 3 weeks old today, and I’ve only now just been able to get a handle on how things have changed in the past few weeks. Oh, sure, things don’t look that different on the surface. But everything, and I mean everything, is different. I think differently, I feel differently, I see things differently. You’re never far from my thoughts, and I sometimes even have a hard time focusing on anything that’s not related to you. It’s strange how that works – I always said I’d never be one of “those” parents. And yet here I am, captivated by everything you do. It didn’t start out like this. I had a very hard time adjusting to life after you were born. Things were different, and I wasn’t sure I wanted them to be. I was scared, which is not something I’m used to. I’ve always been the independent one. The confident one. The one in control. And now? I’m responsible for another person’s well being, for another person’s happiness. I’m not confident I know what I’m doing. I don’t have control – I can’t control you getting sick, or someone not treating you right, something bad happening. It’s terrifying. But then I look at you, and it all melts away. I don’t know what we did without you, I don’t remember that life. All I remember is your sweet face, sleeping. I love you. Mom